Another bad day

went to the venupuncture course today which was fairly awful really and only got to practise on a plastic arm for a couple of goes and that was that, I'm now able to be let loose on the public and can take blood under supervision for the first ten unlucky people and then I can get signed of as being competent, outrageous don't you think so? I have no confidence in my ability to do the job properly and safely, I think I am going to have to quit the job as taking bloods is what is in my job description and if I can't do that then I can't do my job can I?

Have my venupunture course tomorrow (something I am not looking forward to at all) I am terrified of hurting someone or causing pain in any form at all and really don't think that I will be able to do this at all so tomorrow could be the end of my career in sexual health. I still have'nt heard from anyone at the Susex Beacon so will call them again tomorrow just to check if they have received my application form or not and when they want me to come in for an interview.

Apart from that I am still looking for somewhere else to live but not much luck so far but I am not in any hurry so once I have the money I will put it in the high interest account and leave it there until something decent comes my way.

Had my blood results last week and everything much the same although it looks like I have some problem with low blood platelets which means clotting may be a problem and if I were to have to have an operation then they may not operate with my current levels as they are.

From bad to worse!

This job thing is really beginning to get me down now, I have no idea as to what it is I am supposed to be doing, who I am working with or anything, I feel like a spare prick at a wedding. God only knows whats going to happen when I fail the venupuncture course. Oh well no point in speculating about what I don't know for certain. Just have to hope and pray that something permanent comes up at the Sussex Beacon in the near future.

I know that I am never going to get myself into this sort of financial difficulty any more as I am two old to live hand to mouth anymore and need to be more settled and together from now on.

Just got to get on with things now.

How wrong can I be?

I think I have made an awful mistake with this new job, I really do not think that I am up for it or am capable of doing it especially the taking bloods bit, I am not nearly strong enough to do that at all and mentally I do not think I have the strength for that sort of thing, what if I hurt somebody? or make a mistake? I don't know if I can cope with that. On a good note I did receive an application for client support worker (bank) at the Sussex Beacon so am pretty sure I will get that so all I need is for them to advertise for full time work and then I will be ok again. Just guess I have to stick with it and give it my best shot and then at least no one can complain and I can walk away with my head held high.

Started my new job today, well had the first of two days induction which was a pretty boring affair,a load of people talking about policies and proceedures very dull indeed. There were a few nice looking men to take my mind off of things for a while which was a nice distraction.

Although its bonfire night here in the uk I am staying in (did the whole bonfire and firework thing last night up on my friends allotment) to watch crap tv and enjoy a glass of wine and may chat to some friends on the phone if I can muster up the enrgy to do so. I am still having a load of problems with my back and at times (especially night time) is really painful and uncomfortable, so I may try and buy a Tens machine at the end of the month when I get paid.

Ben feeling really down sinse leaving Simon and Tina's last night, I think it must be jealousy and feeling lonely, wishing that I could have a close relationship with someone and find love before its too late.

Did manage to get to see the woman from Sussex beacon who thought I would not get enough out of volunteering but would rather I worked there instead so she is going to send be an application form so I can go on their bank team (part time) for the time being as she didn't think it would be challenging enough for me as a volunteer so will work as a client support worker instead which would be a big step in the right direction and hopefully a full time position may come up soon which would make me very happy as I would be back doing what I do best. I just hope that it will pay ok. Strange to think that I could have three different jobs though, not sure if thats right or not really.

The pain of it all!

Spent an uncomfortable night with extreme back pain and found it very difficult to get comfortable and to get any sleep. When everI attempted to move sides it was extremely painful to do so and getting up to go for a piss was almost impossible as the pain was so intense. I thought at one point that I may have to go the hospital but it seems o have settled down now that I have been a bit more active. Still I don't think I shall be out partying this evening despite wanting to do so and may have to cancel babysitting for Simon and T tomorrow night, although I will still attempt to go to work for the last shift tomorrow as I won't have to do anything and it may well look suspious if I don't show.

My life today!

Today I am supposed to be going to see about voluntering at the Sussex beacon but the woman I am supposed to be meeting appears to be unavailable so not sure where I am supposed to be going or when. I hope she rings soon as it will help get me out of the house for a while.

Mood wise I feel pretty low today and full of self pity, feeling sorry for myself, fed up of being lonely, not having money even though I work my arse off and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like giving it all up and going back to London, or perhaps I should just give up! I have a feeling that even my friends have given up on me as all I bring to any relationship is misery and depression.

Tried to sort out my tax returns yesterday as I have been paying emergency tax for the last six months and also I am owed money for the months I wasn't working from December through to April so hoping that I should be getting some of this back within the next month or so.

Thought I might start doing the lottery although I know that this is a mugs game but I can't think of any otherway of getting any money together. I have thought about getting another job but it would have to be something that would not affect my health or be too stressful and there is not much around that pays decent money so I'm stuck with what I have.